I can't help but wonder, "When did I become bad news?" I think I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I'm often an enabler-- and I'm not talking about getting stepped on by others, I'm talking about how I think I enable a lot of bad behavior.
Today, I did something careless and know that it happened because I was selfish and being uncharacteristically inconsiderate. I'm not singing my own praises, but my own behavior today shocked me. My sister called me a little while ago to have me pass a note to my dad, but stopped talking to question my deflated voice. I told her that I felt selfish, stupid, and irresponsible. As willy nilly as I can be, I'm usually not... irresponsible, at least. That's one thing I took pride in, though I guess I no longer can do that. Then again, one bad mark doesn't mean I'm all bad-- but it hurts me because it happened. She responded that even though I am at fault, I shouldn't take the entire burden because it was also the situation. That's also what Lou said.
Yet even knowing that-- because I can understand what they explained to me, even if it's hard to swallow-- I still have a hard time letting go of it. I am jarred by my own stupidity, and am having difficulty shaking myself out of it. Yet somehow, thinking about it is comforting because I enjoy taking the time to try to understand why I did it. Then I feel more in control, and like I can prevent it.
I'm not that girl who tries to coax her boyfriend out of class just because she's lonely. But I feel like that's what I did. I wasn't even... lonely, either-- nor was I trying to get him out of class. I was being very hopeful that maybe he had a breath to take this week, so then maybe he could enjoy it with me and the company of some of my younger friends (one of them who he is rather familiar with at this point). I was being very, very, very hopeful. He, however, is not Vinh or Marc or some other friend of mine. He's Lou, and he's very decisive. He also is my boyfriend, and enjoys spending time with me (even though I worry that it gets repetitive since I always want to take him out or show him something or whatever, but he said he didn't mind because he likes being with me). He makes the effort to oblige me, even if it is not necessarily within his means at the moment. All of this because he cares for me, and I feel like I had wrongfully taken advantage of that today-- though I wasn't aware of it.
I want to say I rather hate myself at the moment, but that's an exaggeration. I just strongly dislike me. What am I? I am a girl-- scratch that! No more denial just because it's easier on the nerves and conscience. I'm a young woman who highly values education. It feels so wrong. I feel like today I had violated a core part of myself. I'm so stuck-up about academia that I have a stupid prejudice where I find it unfathomable that capable people don't pursue higher education and stretch their wit. To me, they absolutely must. It's their duty, somehow. I am the insensitive girlfriend who gawked blankly and blurted out a disbelief-filled, "Why?" when her boyfriend carefully allowed her to know that his future plans may include the National Guard or joining the police force. Because all I could think about was, "You are so smart, you are so good, you could achieve so much in education!" It is embarrassing to admit that those stubborn thoughts were what filled my mind when he mentioned that. What a shameful knee jerk reaction. Fortunately, it was only for a brief moment that passed after I realized how absurd I was. But it happened, and it says a lot about me.
Yet I pulled him out of his most difficult class today-- denied him his homework points and invaluable lecture-- and in doing so I proved myself a hypocrite.
It hurts so much. It hurts me more when I remember how he told me a story about a girl who would have her boyfriend ditch class to see her on her whim, and I was surprised that she would even consider such behavior, let alone carry it out. I had said that if it ever came down to it, education first. Always always always. Which is exactly what he believes in. And I believe it too, even now. Plus, I said that I would never do that to him. Good god.
As he said today, what's happened has happened. That is true. I know dwelling on it won't change the past, but it will change the future. The more I digest it and pull it into myself, the less likely it'll happen in the future. I am not a person who is always aware of my problems. It is very difficult for me to realize that I did something wrong, which is why I end up writing these entries in my journal about revelations and realizations. That's why I desire for people to stop me and notify me to reassess myself, but I should do that on my own in the first place.
As Mr. Antenore said, "Hold your own leash." Advice I have known for over four years, but have never implemented it.
I need it to become my mantra. I should not rely on others to watch me. I should watch myself. When did I become bad news? As soon as I let myself do these horrible things. I am an enabler, and I even enable myself.
I must hold my own leash.
( PS: Yet in the end, what hurts the most is that I have burdened him once more. )
My sister told me to find something to cheer me up. Play a game or something. I did. I turned to my books and read. I wrote this, and it helped me so much. But oddly enough, what soothed me the most was a sudden memory from last weekend. I was lazily practicing piano on a hot Saturday, and suddenly I felt his clean arms wrap around my shoulders and the press of his shower-fresh hair and face against my cheek. And what he said. And how everything smelled and felt wonderful.
And all of a sudden, I feel fine. Actually-- not completely. I feel a little bit like crying because I love it all so much.
"我的心痛的要死... 怎麼會這樣... 我開始覺得我自己很弱... 但我也發現我從來沒有這麼開心過." Facebook status message from last night. I still feel that way now. Except even more.
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l o freaking l
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!!!!
amused
